這個學期，我多了兩個外號：1)"神" 和 2)"爸爸"
I have gotten two more nicknames at the end of this semester: 1) "God" and 2) "Daddy"

I'm not very sure if I should be feeling very happy or sad. I'm not "god", and I don't really know how this nickname came about. Okay, maybe I do, just that I don't really want to admit it. Perhaps somehow it's just how computers are afraid of me and they seem to respond well to me and so I manage to fix a lot of technical problems my fellow coursemates are facing. Then again, there are some "fixing" that is mainly due to me just figuring out how to use the softwares and being able to hit the right buttons.

I'm not god. I don't want to be. 'cause it makes me... look like I'm capable of a lot of things, but I know there are areas I can't handle. I really want to regurgitate that I'm not a leader, at least in the field of management and business.

I don't want to be a daddy too. I don't know why. "Daddy" makes me feel old, emotionally and psychologically. It makes me think that people do know I care a lot about everyone, but no one really returns that caring somehow.

But an occasional chocolate bar does make my day (or rather "night" most of the time).

~//~

This semester passed by relatively uneventfully, not learning much, and not achieving much. The courses I take are like just pushing myself to do things I normally don't do frequently.

Like play-writing, like web-designing, like newspaper-article writing.

I don't learn much, at least I know these won't apply in the field of work I'm going to be involved in, perhaps with a slight exception of "play-writing", but hey, "screenplay writing" is really different from "play-writing" anyway.

~//~

But friendships do strengthened this semester.

I really got to know more in depth about more people. New real friends were found, like wanjing, jessie, jj, weiyang; old bonds were really strengthened, like with sk, xiuwen, rongshan, darren, guangzheng...

Somehow it's ironic, cause there are so much lesser people in sch this semester with ppl left for exchange and internship.

~//~

EBM. My destination for the next semester.

FYP group. Formed.

FYP project, now thinking about what we're going to do.

Two years seem to have been planned out.

Or is it not?

~//~

I want to treasure the friendship. I don't know how things will turn out. I hope nothing bad happens, I hope I don't do the wrong thing.

Three years in army taught me honesty and frankness doesn't pay, especially in pseudo friendships. That means I should have more faith right?

~//~

See? I'm not god. Ok, fine, I'm the technical god, I can patch wires, I can design well with adobe softwares, I can create soundtracks. But I still think I'm just a jack of all trades, but GOD of none. I still need Uncle Tan and Uncle Vincent. No la, I'm not whining. I just wish I was really god, 'cause then I can take things into control, but I'm still just human with emotions.

~//~

I don't know what I wanna say with this post actually. I know I'm just whining.

But I haven't been able to sleep with a few nights spent alone at home. I don't like this feeling. I always thought I'm a loner, being able to walk down orchard road or bugis street shopping alone. I can't anymore.

Is it good? I think it's good actually.

But somehow, I felt I've become dependent on friends. Am I too dependent on them?

~//~

I can't have a partner, not yet. I know I can't. With the kind of workload, with the kind of working lifestyle, how to have? It'll be like so unfair.

And I don't know if I can acknowledge my liking.

~//~

我，張正勇，乃凡人。

With the FYP screening over, more people have come to acknowledge me with my skills. I don't know if it's good or bad, 'cause it'll make me more busy.

I hope I have time for myself, for my friends, for new skills, for old hobbies and for a new relationship.

~//~

Yesterday, suddenly felt like seeing who blogged about my hall production (which I wrote and directed). Did a search of "ntu" "store of memorabilia" on google and found:

POST #1
Last night i went to watch the NTU HALL 2 Drama production "The store of Memorabilia" at the Jubille Hall. Although it was a simple drama production, i really enjoyed it.

It keeps me thinking, every one of us has memories, either good or bad. But how many of us cherish our memories? Is "forget and move on" always better for us? Or should we "hold on dearly to these memories".

Parents are always so concern about their children, but is it good to make decision for them, and tell them as-a-matter-of -fact "Mom knows what is the best for you!"

I am not criticizing anything here, but sometimes, i do believe, issue of the heart cannot be explained by logic. I always think that, it is better to blame ourself for doing the wrong things than to blame our parents in the future.

"Is it the end of the story? Or is it the beginning of a new story? Or maybe it is just merely a hit on the pause button."

POST #2
yep, went for NTU hall 2's production, The Store of Memorabilia, at Jubilee Hall today. why was i there? to support the soundman KQ and the stage manager ZM, who are both from hall 2.

Cutting it short, its a story abt a mother, daughter and son. daughter is attached to sissy-gay guy for 4 yrs but doesnt wanna get married (and of coz mom keeps pushing her), son is unattached and doesnt really wanna cos mom wants him to concentrate on studies, until he meets his crush (whom he broke up 4 yrs ago).
on the whole, it was rather entertaining la. at the start it was still quite drab until the sissy-gay boyfriend comes in and dialogues with the daughter. kao. freakingly gay haha...and the girl acting the mother also pretty good, very auntie like hahahah, makes me think of 2 girls. make a guess??

"Matters of the heart cannot be reasoned by logic"
"The simpler the thinking, the more complicated the execution"

haha weird sense eh. like my fren always say: "aiyah you always so rational. sometimes you must go and take a risk la, go with your feelings" but i guess its hard lah. raised on rationality. oops its become a habit, which is bad?

the 2nd line sounds more like whats happening to all my tutorial questions and exam questions. ever found questions which are based on really simple concepts (at least concepts u've learnt before) but then always twisted beyond recognition? yeah thats the 2nd line at work. maybe simple thinking isnt really that simple after all. lol.

I'm kinda happy with entries like these, that means like besides ppl enjoying the play, it sets them thinking about things I wrote. I'm happy, 'cause that is what doing theatre is all about. :)

~//~

Shall end this entry with the epilogue scene I wrote for "The Store of Memorabilia":

At the end of a journey,
at the end of a relationship,
when you find yourself wanting to say goodbye,
what do you really want to say?

What do you do with all the letters?
What do you do with all the love given?
Do you throw them away or hold on to them?
Or are you feeling lost with so much you’ve taken?

Is it really the end of a story,
or is it the beginning of another one?
Is it merely just hitting the pause button
to settle problems and get things done?

I guess it’s normal to be sad,
it’s always okay to cry,
but just let yourself be drowned in tears
just for that one night.

It may take a lot of courage;
it may just be a lot of pride.
But what is it you’re thinking
when it’s time to say goodbye?


*awake-at-7am-with-tan-sk-and-loy-mj-most-prob-now-on-their-way-to-work*,
Ah Yong