First off... Happy Lunar New Year!

Oh wells, you may know that I really enjoyed staying at home, trying to empty my house of CNY snacks and stuff by eating them since my mum wun eat them + my dad can't eat them + my sis will not be around to eat them. so yar. one container full of bak gwa was half empty just now as i stepped out of house to come back to hall. it took me three days and A LOT of self-control not to finish ALL of it.

so, yes, peeps, ah yong here is already quite bored of all the CNY stuff. bring me back to my small little kid days when i still get to feel CNY's spirit with the whole school singing CNY songs and watching other kids performing stupid skids abt the monster "nian"!

the things i've done for the past few days:
1) sleep
2) watch "Protege" with mum and dad at vivo
3) eat
4) watch a china drama serial about the greatest businessmen in china's history: Qiao Zhiyong (which is interestingly very nice)
5) downloaded bleach manga to read
6) tried to fix the wireless at home
7) gave up and just surfed via ethernet cable
8) composed/arranged a couple of music themes for Kai's FYP
9) sleep somemore
10) wandered around bp
11) tried to get tired
12) tried to sleep somemore

yar... i'm quite brain-dead. i feel i havent really recover from the lack of creative juice. i feel damn sorry to kai's fyp group.

oh, and i went to chrong's house, *half* for CNY visiting tho, altho the most i did there was eat his CNY goodies (like there isn't enough in my own house... but hey, he has more varieties...)

i feel old. i know i am old, but feeling old is bad. i feel like i've drained of all the festive spirits (like x'mas, cny... y dun i feel EXCITED anymore?!) i dun feel like i'm looking forward to something.

but lanzi and jing are correct, i shd try to find my 'megan' soon, ANOTHER 'megan' tho. i need to learn to let go... but... haiz.

i was approached for an interview for a radio station (shant say which one... cuz i was proud of what i said). i was surprised when the deejay asked me "so any plans for a girlfriend?" oh shucks, i was like *ARGH* must i answer this question for the public to know? i was like "err... mmm... well... let fate decide?" shit, i hate cliche-ness... and i have to use it to cork up the question...

someone (i'm not trying to hide his identity, but i really seriously forgot) told me about my personality before. he asked if i'm the type who doesn't get into a relationship easily. yes, i answered. and he asked if the reason was because i ponder a lot about whether the relationship will last, and she has to be the perfect one. i was quite shocked to hear that actually. i was like "how can u tell?" he said, "from how many relationships you had and how long ago that was." woah. amazing.

actually my thoughts about the special 'her': it used to be 'i dun wan to burden her.' i dun wan my commitments to obstruct our relationship, i always said 'wait for the right time', but i discovered there will NEVER be a right time for me. knowing me, i will NEVER be available. time-wise. and i know, deep down inside, the stronger reason for me not to get into a relationship is really 'i dun wan to be burdened by her. i dun wan someone breathing down my neck about 'why are u so selfish in spending time with your work only?'"

no reply to a few unimportant sms, or no callback for one missed call, or no 'hi' on msn from me, and ppl already think i'm regarding them less as a friend. this is EXACTLY why i dun wan to sign up for big roles. but u know what, ppl always say 'hey go ahead, go ahead, u shd, u shd, we'll ALL understand, u hav our support'... and then at the end of the day, i receive shit like 'why r u so busy? really cannot meh? heck the work la. dun bother la.' hey, 'dun bother' is my call ok. if i really can 'dun bother' i will, but dun ask me to 'dun bother' if u cannot hold the responsibility of things happening AFTER i 'dun bother'.

if i get shit like that from frens, i tink i will get more shit from a GIRLfren...

i dun noe... maybe i'm just being slightly sexist... i dun wan to defend myself. and i dun wan to hear cliche stuff like "there are always somebody special" "there are always exception"... trust me, EVERY SINGLE LINE that you will tell me, i've told myself before, or i heard somewhere. so dun say them to me. u know it's like someone fall out of the relationship and u tell that someone "there's always somebody special out there"... if i were that someone, and if i was really feeling damn shitty, i'll throw my shoe at you, but most of the time i'll reply "hey thanks for the advice" full stop. ok, move on boy! i've past that. who DOESN'T know cliche stuff like that at our age. tell me something relevant to me.

i dun wan someone who wans to make me happy when i'm not. i dun need someone who tries to understand me when he/she doesn't. i need someone who makes me cry, who makes me angry, who let me empty my brain of all the sorrow or anger... u may think it's theoretical, but i survived the worst times in my life by having friends who emptied my brain by making me tear. my 'o' level results, my career failure before skyblue, my grandma... godsis, army bunkmate, uni fren... these three frens were my best frens and they will forever continue to be, no matter how little interaction i may have with them nowadays.

i dun know what i wan out of this entry. it's 5:21 and i'm supposed to be sleeping. but i can't. and i dun noe why.

perhaps i'm just wishing for a special someone i cud send an sms to to say goodnight.


Ah Yong