I don't know what I'm thinking now...

I'm just pushing myself forward by all the forces around me, and I'm not able to take a breather, and this has been so for the past 1 month I guess.

I really thought the new year was quite a copable one, but I realized through time that I was wrong. Sure, I'm only taking five mods, and I have free slots most of the time, but the free slots are never free... I never found myself at home at these free slots, I never found myself going to a shopping mall, I never found myself doing most of my favourite hobbies: watching movies, swimming, slacking at home... no, never. my last movie was really Casino Royale last november, and that was because i was so stressed up with exams that I had to take that 4 hour break to go buy tickets and catch a movie (4 hour because of the waiting and travelling as well).

I'm already starting to long for the holidays that I'm planning for in April. Yes, I guess it has become an annual thingy, to runaway to somewhere and get myself uncontactable. I really need it.

I don't like this feeling that I'm having now. Not talking about the nauseaness and the frequent headaches, but about doing creative things on a routinal basis. This felt so wrong. Creativity to me is something spontaneous, not something that I should be able to come up with by just the snap of the fingers. Yet, I'm forced to do it. I felt like I'm trained to *snap* and *wah-la* an idea or something comes up.

Be it music, be it script, be it radio jingle ideas, be it just trying to solve a particular prob.

I feel tired of TRYING to be creative. Yes, trying.

I'm reconsidering my future. 'cos I really don't know if I'm up to it. Am I really that creative?

But, knowing myself, I just know I'm rambling because I hate routines. I totally hate them. I hate doing things for a logical and practical reasons. I hate doing things for others and not myself, especially after these few years of army and uni life. I do for others, but who do for me. No one. Yet.

Then again, maybe I should find myself someone to attach, so I can take. But that's so for a practical reason too, right? Love, should never be for practical reasons. Oh yar, forgot to mention that I really don't think people in the same company with different ranks/positions should be together. They'll never work out.

I havent really slept satisfyingly for a few weeks liao. I want to. I never get to. What's the difference between weekdays and weekends? I can't tell already.


Ah Yong