Whatever reason it may be, I'm sinkin' deeper and deeper into a certain depression. And somehow, today I feel like I've hit the seeming bottom.

How many things have happened for the past few months? Countless, but none of them had really caused an impact directly on my life. They just add on... and add on... and on... until i feel like my life's in a total heap of muck.

Nah, my life is good. I shouldn't be complaining.

I really shouldn't.

Full stop.

And hopefully there would not be another statement after that full stop.

~//~

So. How many things have happened for the past few months? Countless.

December:
1. Did the first film camp with film society. Gave a course on something i've learned only in one night. I think it was crap. The logistics side turned out fairly well, with luck on my side thankfully.

2a. Had rehearsals for hall production. Everything was not according to timeline. The deadlines keep coming alive and postponing itself. I was not having good vibes about this.

2b. Thru this i happened to see the real side of ppl's managing skills, was it good or bad? But then again, each person has his or her own way of doing things, but i just dun see why ppl dun respect others' way of doing things. Was me not being assertive really the cause of things turning out not the way it is?

January:
1. Sch reopens. First week, was totally in the mood for studying after a one month hiatus of academic books. Good start. Chose two electives: Drama and Information Literacy. They happen to turn out to be on polar ends. Drama, which was not compulsory, turned out to be the most enjoyable module i've had so far; Info Lit, which was compulsory, turned out the worst. Fuck.

2. Hall prod rehearsals continued. But with sch work lumping in and all the hall activities, i had to cancel so many rehearsals. I was not feeling comfortable. Things with certain people just went worst. Heck, i'd learned to just ignore them. Why let ppl control my emotions and temper? In the end, I found my comfort zone with people who are willing to work and contribute to lessen my workload. Statements like "hey, Dao Yan, 放心！I will get it done, if not, i'll definitely find a solution one!" really really helped my day. Fuck those who just sit aside and wait for my sole contribution. This is hall prod, not gossip place.

3. Film soc's second major event: Union Welfare Fest Movie Screening. tink i gave keat wei a hell of a lifetime, and i felt damn sorry. wasn't able to commit due to hall prod. and i felt i've let down everyone.

4. Same with FOC. had to keep delaying my proposal. i felt damn shitty, and even felt like quitting so that someone more responsible can take over. But that's very irresponsible of me. So i pushed myself and pushed and pushed. and i felt like i gave something that i was not really proud of doing.

5. School work going down the drain.

February:
1. Chinese New Year: the same old lonely shit. Honestly, i hate it when ppl tell me "wah lao, bai4 nian2 la! what else can anybody do on CNY?" or "aiya, ang pao very little this year, only $300". i feel like slapping their face. taking things for granted. den again, i should slap myself, like "duh, so sorry that i should feel this way becos of others". every year i just get more lonely during the CNY period. Hey, but at least 10 years down the road i dun hav relatives going "aiya! still single arh?"

2. Hall Prod performance over. I was realived that it's over. But i've learned something, or rather reenforced an idea which i've yet to prove over the years: respect is really earned. wuts the use of saying big things, questioning people with authority and showing off power? and wuts the use of getting into the good books of ppl just by gossiping, just by chit-chatting, and just by sheer acting friendly (when you're stabbing everybody behind the back)? i felt i've grown, not older, but more in terms of emotions and ideals.

3. Watched 3 plays. Hall 1's "Forget Me Not", Hall 15's "You Choose" (issit?) and Hall 5's "To Pa With Love". I've realised what I've lost in the process of directing Hall 2 prod: the spirit of wanting to do a play in the first place. Fuck, what happened to me?

4. Finished the tune of my first song in 2006. Think it'll be until may or jun before it materialises into a recording.

5. Today I watched Munich. And it got me totally depressed. I love/hate Steven Spielberg.

~//~

Music is still my life.

Yet, why are there days when I can live without a single song playing in my leisure time?

~//~

I'm tired. I'm drained. I feel hollow, as if someone dug a hole in my heart.

Anybody watched "Bleach"? I feel like a hollow.
Anybody watched "Ghost in the Shell?" I feel like the fucking brain in the brain core stolen by Tachikoma after going out with Miki. A brain with lots of ideas, but no shell to perform the ideas and materialize them.

~//~

忘了睡 忘了自己早應該睡

*          *,
Johnzzon